Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
