you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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