you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
