I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
