Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
