he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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