I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
