I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
