he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
