All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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