Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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