I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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