Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
