I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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