Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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