i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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