i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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