She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
