Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
