I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
