My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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