I met the friendliest cop last night
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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