My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
