Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
