I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
