Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
