I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
