They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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