Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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