He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
