What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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