i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
