He had one of those small greek statue penises
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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