So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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