I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
