i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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