He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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