I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
