I just pynch a tree in the face
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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