I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
