im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
