Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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