i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
