I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
