my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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