my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
