There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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