omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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