PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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