Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Randomize
